Pigeon Spins Featuring an Interview with Jessi Robertson

Jessi Robertson - Dark Matter

Jessi Robertson is a Nashville-based singer-songwriter known for her powerhouse vocals and emotionally raw, genre-bending songs. Blending confessional fire with otherworldly imagination, her work draws comparisons to art-rock visionary Kate Bush, pop-rock icon Stevie Nicks, and indie iconoclast PJ Harvey. Robertson commands a room with songs that are as intimate as confessions and as cathartic as confrontations, her voice shifting from lullaby crooning to a wild rock and roll wail.

Originally from a small town in upstate New York, she moved to Brooklyn in 2003, releasing two acclaimed studio albums: Small Town Girls (2011) and I Came From The War (2014). In 2018, she relocated to Nashville and surprised fans with Live From Union Hall, a previously unreleased live set from her 2014 album release show. A prolific multi-instrumentalist, she’s released a steady stream of singles and continues to perform regularly in both Nashville and New York City.

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Interview with Jessi Robertson

(º)> How did your Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis influence the creation of Dark Matter?

After I received my diagnosis, I spent a lot of time trying to relearn who I am. The person I’ve known myself to be is someone who is always worried. I worry that I say the wrong thing. I worry that people laugh at m,e and I don’t understand why. I worry that who I am is somehow wrong. But then I learned that my brain is just wired differently. I wanted to explore that in my music creation process, and the result is Dark Matter.

(º)> What does “unmasking” mean to you in a creative context?

To me, it means letting go of the idea that my thoughts are too weird, dark, or unrelatable. Creating alone was a big part of unmasking for me. It allowed me to take a lot of risks and experiment in a way that I couldn’t do with other people. I learned to embrace the flaws in every aspect of my creative work and see the value in doing things for myself, like playing lead guitar even though I’m new at it. It was so freeing to try to create what I hear in my head, even though my skills in some areas are limited. Sometimes a limitation leads to the most interesting choices.

(º)> Why did you choose to revisit songs from 2017 for this project?

Back in 2017, I was working on the beginnings of Dark Matter. That’s how I titled the demos in my phone, too. At the tim,e I didn’t trust myself. I felt like the songs were too esoteric, and I was more concerned about fitting in and pleasing other people than pursuing my musical ideas. This spring, I found these songs in my archive and realized the foundations were strong, but I could see room to reshape them based on my new perspective. I took each song apart and rebuilt it, adding a bridge here, tightening the lyrics there, updating the chords somewhere else. Someone said in a way I’ve been writing about my experience as a neurodivergent person all my life, even though I didn’t know that I was autistic. I heard that in these songs, and by reclaiming the,m I felt I was starting to reclaim my identity.

(º)> How did exploring themes like black holes and quantum entanglement shape the album’s narrative?

A lot of autistic people have special interests, or spins. Music is one of mine, but I’ve always been fascinated by space and black holes and the weird things that can happen in the universe, like quantum entanglement. Space is so unimaginably beautiful, yet harsh and deadly and unpredictable. That’s how I feel just living in the world. I see it's beaut, and yet it’s so difficult to navigate. It’s very hard for me to deal with the sensory overload of too much noise, too many lights, too many social demands. Sometimes I feel a little bit like The Little Prince. I could be content in my own little world with a rose for a companion. It’s often very difficult for me to understand and express my emotions. Music has always been that outlet for me, and I think these themes that align with my special interests help me find context to explain the way I feel.

(º)> What challenges did you face recording every part yourself?

The biggest challenge was my internal self-criticism. I’m fortunate to have worked with top musicians in New York and Nashville. I had to get out of my own way and accept that my performances were going to be more simplistic, and I might make choices that seem strange to a professional musician. Mixing was also very difficult for me because I don’t hear music in pieces like that. I was in my head a lot, wondering if I could do justice to these songs. But I had a lot of support from friends, particularly Omer Leibovit,z who recorded my last record, I Came from the War. I’m a much better producer now than when I started this project, and I’m so grateful for that.

(º)> How does Dark Matter reflect parts of yourself you’ve previously hidden?

I’ve always tried to be truthful and vulnerable in my songwriting and performances, but I kept a tight rein on the subject matter. I didn’t know what masking was, but I think I was secretly proud of showing a tough exterior to the world and hiding how hurt and confused I sometimes felt. I built up this persona of someone strong and undefeatable. I could let people peek behind the curtain, but only to a point. I didn’t want to reveal the stuff that didn’t match up with the person I created. I have always felt a bit other, and it shows in my past songwriting, but with this album, I gave up on that outer shell. I stopped listening to all the imagined critics and let myself be me.

(º)> In what ways did this album help you rebuild your sense of identity?

There’s something that can happen to autistic people called autistic regression. It’s when your coping skills and masking stop working as well as they used to. And suddenly you might not be able to do the things you used to do. And you might start having meltdowns or acting differently. But the strange thing is, you still feel like the same person. The core of who I am didn’t change, but my masks started to slip. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was happening to me post-pandemic, and I’m very grateful to the neurodivergent people in my life who accepted and supported me without judgment and helped me to understand that nothing is wrong with me. That support and love directly led me to seek a diagnosis. However, I also lost some close friends during this time. They couldn’t accept the changes in my behavior, and I couldn’t communicate what was happening to me, because I didn’t fully understand it myself. I’ve always been very self-sufficient, but for the first time, I felt like I really needed the support of my community, and I didn’t get that. I got, “We want the old Jessi back.” That was one of the most painful times in my life, learning that the people I loved couldn’t love me back if I didn’t behave the way they wanted me to. And I also wondered if it would have made a difference if I had been diagnosed earlier and could have explained it better. Ultimately, I learned that constantly trying to please other people was making me miserable, and it isn’t good for me or them. Dark Matter was the conduit that helped me work through this. It helped me to heal and start thinking about who I want to be and how I want to live my life now that I understand my strengths and challenges as an autistic person.

(º)> How do you balance vulnerability with otherworldly imagination in your music?

No matter what imagery I use in my writing, I always try to understand what’s at the root of what I’m feeling. So I wrote a sad song about cell phones, and maybe that’s not an idea everyone can relate to. But maybe they also feel a desire to be more present with other people, and at the same time not to lose all the beautiful moments they’ve experienced, which our phones can be so good at capturing. Maybe they wish for more meaning than a fully digital experience can provide. Sometimes the most vulnerable thing is to be real about what we want, regardless of the fantastical clothes we dress our desires in. So no matter where my imagination takes me, I always try to ground it in real emotion.

(º)> Which artists or albums inspired the genre-bending sound of Dark Matter?

I’ll start with Joshua Tree by U2 and Lost in the Dream by The War on Drugs. I love the dreamy guitar tones on both records, and that inspired me to try to use my guitar a bit more like a synthesizer in some of the songs. I learned so much about phrasing, tone, and singing from the heart by listening to Billie Holiday. I’m also a fan of artful indie pop and rock, and for that, I found a lot of inspiration in artists like St. Vincent, King Princess, and CHVRCHES. David Bowie, the original genre-bender and chameleon, is a massive influence. His music makes me feel like anything is possible, and I love the imaginative way he approached songwriting while creating some of the most iconic songs. There’s also a bit of Wilco, Otis Redding, Stevie Nicks, Joni Mitchell, Patty Griffin, Prince, and Jeff Buckley there as well. I have always been drawn to singers full of passion and fire.

(º)> What do you hope listeners take away from experiencing Dark Matter?

I hope that listeners feel a sense of empathy for others and, most of all, for themselves. We can journey to imaginary worlds together, but sometimes the most unknowable space is our own minds. If we care for each other and ourselves, we can do unimaginable things, finding hope in the world and in each other.

(•)> That's all Folks! Check out Jessi Robertson on the Pigeon Spins Playlist